Tackabery Chronicle

Equilibrium

<![CDATA[

Over the last two months my life has been burdened by some unusual family stress, and the coping mechanisms I had previously held in place had already been sacrificed to get me through a very tough semester of school. So when things started to go south just before Thanksgiving, I didn’t have any reserves left to fight off the family stress. Thanksgiving was bad, while the month after was unbearably tense.

Anxiety disorders are about nervous systems that are out-of-balance. I’ve been thinking lately of my nervous disorder as something akin to an allergic reaction, but to stress instead of some environmental trigger like dust or pet hair. Stressful situations call up our emotions, but an over-sensitive nervous system, like mine and, I suppose, like many other people with PTSD, hair-triggers to stress.

I am reminded of this metaphor especially because of a misconception about exposure to harmful substances; the erroneous thought that, over time, given enough exposure, our body will become de-sensitized to the irritant. The fact is that immunotherapy for allergies is the second line of defense for allergies; the first is avoidance. People who suffer from reactions to allergens produce an abnormal amount of immunoglobin E (IgE) which makes them hypersensitive to the allergen. Piling on more allergen, in many cases, only brings out more IgE, which causes hives, an excess of mucus, sneezing, coughing, and all the other lovely symptoms that come with allergic reactions. The production of IgE is why many pet owners develop allergies to their cats after years of peaceful coexistence; such was the case with your humble author.

My burden in the years since my suicide attempt in 1999 has been the endless progression of prescription drugs that march in and out of my kitchen cabinet month after ceaseless month. They pump up my cortisol and prevent me from losing weight; they make me drowsy and, sometimes, dissociative and unemotional. But they tamp down the gears of my nervous system to help me prevent over-reaction. Messing with the careful mix of the meds I take can start a chain reaction that can snap back on me like a mother. The see-saw of equilibrium held carefully between my emotions and my stress level tips. . . which is exactly what it did when I had to stay up much later than usual to keep up with my class work this semester. I was up past midnight every day, and waiting until 11 or 12 at night to take my evening meds upset my sleep schedule. I began having nightmares again, and then I miscalculated a prescription and ran out of Topomax before I could get a new prescription. Within two days I was going through intense withdrawal, including night sweats, tingling nerves all over my body, and racing thoughts that left me pacing in place for hours. I got that straightened out, but damage was done, and more stress was to come as I struggled with a new job offer.

My meds are straightened out, but I along the way I stopped taking my allergy spray when it did not seem to be working (around the time I was withdrawing from Topomax - not a time to make decisions about one’s meds); and my allergies grew out of control because I live with four cats. The result was a nice big snapback; the see-saw tipped, and I went flying. I’ve had a week off between jobs, and in that week I’ve managed to get pretty sick with a kind of head cold and have a car accident.

Equilibrium. It’s harder than it looks. ]]>

If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.