The Punitive Spinal Tap
So if you come in to my department and you simply want narcotics, do what any sensible person would do. Do a little research, make up a story that is believable, and stick to it. Try not to come up with a complaint that I can disprove with a simple test. Especially don’t come in with some cockamamie story about how pain is shooting from your big toe to your ear and that you have a headache and your neck hurts. I will do the following… I will express concern about your headache and neck pain and then, after obtaining your consent of course, I will stick a large needle into your lower back and withdraw some spinal fluid to prove that you don’t have meningitis. If you make it through this procedure (which really is more scary than painful) then I guess you win… you can have your eight Lortab.
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Along the same line, I find the most deserving toothaches are the ones that allow me the sadistic satisfaction of pumping marcaine into the base of their tooth. That is worth a couple of lortab.