Mental Fitness for Good Health

Did Unhappy Marriages Really Overcome Those Problems?

"If he ever does that" our marriages is over, she said.  I’ve also heard the same thing from men.  "If she ever does that, I’m out of here".  These types of statements are often made by people, who can’t fathom remaining married, if their spouses "behave badly".

In a study reported by Greg from Live Two, 66% of people unhappy in their marriages, described themselves as happy in their marriages five years later. 

What type of problems made them unhappy?  Did they have to face problems most spouses would describe as nightmares?

In the expanded version of the University of Chicago’s report on unhappy spouses choosing divorce versus staying home together, they reported interviewing 55 spouses who had "marital turnarounds".

These people indicated three reasons why their marriages became unhappy.  These reasons are:

1. When bad things happen to good spouses;
2. Men behaving badly; and
3. Communication difficulties and difficult personality traits.

Bad things happen to good people included illness, deaths in families, lost jobs, children problems, financial problems, unemployment, etc.

Men behaving badly engaged in activities such as infidelity, alcoholism, drug abuse, over controlling and critical interactions and avoidance behaviors.

Communication difficulties included chronic conflict, poor communication and emotional neglect.  Happy turnaround couples learned to live with chronic complaints from their spouse.

Happy turnaround marriages found solutions for problems such as infidelity, which many people believe would break a marriage.  Some of the turnaround marriages were able to overcome violence, although violence was a major factor why many people divorce.

The problems that caused unhappiness and were overcome or tolerated by happy couples five years later are very common and typical of problems leading to divorce.

How should people deal with these problems in marriages?

You may not like the answer to this question.  First of all, realize that these problems are real and normal.  If you are married or planning to get married, expect your marriage will have difficult times and many of these problems likely will appear in your life.

How you deal with these problems will be crucial to your happiness and the stability of your marriage.  People who can accept these problems as frustrations associated with marriage will be able to find solutions to these problems and happiness in their marriage.  If you look at these problems as catastrophes, your marriage may not survive and happiness will be lost. 

If you have questions or difficulty accepting these frustrations, you can find out more about coping with frustrations by reading The Responsible Choice from my mental fitness program and by seeking coaching. 

Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

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